Without Runkle

I believe in making wishes. At first I think it was born of superstition, but as I got older I realized I strongly believed in putting my intent out into the world with my heart. Wishing is an acknowledgement of your dreams.

As long as I can remember I always wished for a horse. Every dried out wishbone carefully saved from Thanksgiving, fields that I combed for that elusive four leaf clover, and most of all stars. I wished on every shooting star I ever saw for a horse, from when I was about eight until... well, I never really stopped.

I remember the day I brought Runkle home after buying him. It's not too often you see any stars at all in New Jersey, but as I was leaving the barn with him tucked snug into his new stall I saw a shooting star and I stared at it because I had my wish. Runkle was my dream come true.

Last Wednesday morning was beautiful and sunny. I could live the rest of my life in that morning; in fact sometimes it's hard not to. In that moment I still had Runkle, and I had all our dreams for our future. I had my hopes for the weekend, and I was still riding the high of navigating my baby horse through his first beginner novice a few days before. I was warm, happy, safe. In love and loved. I had everything. Someone threw a rock through my beautiful stained glass day and on the other side of the broken shards was the real world.

Last week Runkle suffered a catastrophic injury to his stifle. I'll never know how he did it but despite all my best efforts (and those of his vets) there was no way he would ever recover comfortably. I made the right decision and let him go.

My whole life changed in the span of a few days. He was my world; everything I did revolved around him. Runkle is gone, irretrievably, and now I have to grapple with what 'moving on' means. It feels terrible. I feel terrible I want to move on to feeling better as quickly as possible but the only way out is through. Every day is sometimes a little better, sometimes a little worse, but I keep reminding myself that the way out is through.

I'm not sure what exactly is next. The future will most certainly involve blogging but for now this chapter of my life needs to be closed so I can move on. I'll see you soon. Remember everything (both good and bad) is only temporary, so hug your ponies close. Cherish them. They make the world and our lives more beautiful.