On Being Hungry
I haven't been hungry in awhile.
I was in a meeting with my boss today, and he was talking about someone that we'd both worked with at different points in our career. He said something like, "well, he's got a lot of huge opportunities because he has a solid, rare skill set and he's hungry."
He kept talking but the words kind of rattled around in my head for a minute. Hungry.
When was the last time I felt hungry?
It's been a difficult year. It hasn't even been a full year since I lost Runkle. Since his death I've felt aimless. Indy started to help me heal, to help give the breath back to my voice. For reasons I'd rather not elaborate on at this point however, it's become apparent that Indy will not be able to be the event horse I hoped he would be. I'm struggling through the aftermath of this, not riding a whole hell of a lot, and feeling very sorry for myself. And not being very hungry.
Hungry is being a sixteen year old kid and getting bucked off a devilish pony named Pork Chop, because sixteen year old me would get on pretty much anything for saddle time.
Hungry is giving up my childhood dream horse to pursue something bigger and better than him.
Hungry is picking up as many riding days as possible during college, to cram as much as I possibly could into the last few years that actually held that mythical beast, 'free time'.
Hungry is driving hours to the closest farm to catch ride in a horse show, and get last place because the horse did not stop bucking literally the entire show. Three classes, he bucked the whole time.
Hungry is picking up shop and moving to Philly in pursuit of horses.
Hungry is riding whatever comes my way, not complaining, and kicking ass when no one thinks you can.
Hungry is getting run away with on a Thoroughbred and coming back the next day anyway to try and get it right.
Hungry is getting up at 5:30 in the morning to run, to drive to a horseshow, audit a clinic, jump judge at a trial, spectate a huge event.
Hungry is being told no, or "you can't", or "it's over" and not really hearing it.
So, when was the last time I felt hungry?
I was in a meeting with my boss today, and he was talking about someone that we'd both worked with at different points in our career. He said something like, "well, he's got a lot of huge opportunities because he has a solid, rare skill set and he's hungry."
He kept talking but the words kind of rattled around in my head for a minute. Hungry.
When was the last time I felt hungry?
pc: @hoofwoof
It's been a difficult year. It hasn't even been a full year since I lost Runkle. Since his death I've felt aimless. Indy started to help me heal, to help give the breath back to my voice. For reasons I'd rather not elaborate on at this point however, it's become apparent that Indy will not be able to be the event horse I hoped he would be. I'm struggling through the aftermath of this, not riding a whole hell of a lot, and feeling very sorry for myself. And not being very hungry.
Hungry is being a sixteen year old kid and getting bucked off a devilish pony named Pork Chop, because sixteen year old me would get on pretty much anything for saddle time.
Hungry is giving up my childhood dream horse to pursue something bigger and better than him.
Hungry is picking up as many riding days as possible during college, to cram as much as I possibly could into the last few years that actually held that mythical beast, 'free time'.
Hungry is driving hours to the closest farm to catch ride in a horse show, and get last place because the horse did not stop bucking literally the entire show. Three classes, he bucked the whole time.
Hungry is picking up shop and moving to Philly in pursuit of horses.
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| parade of the hungry |
Hungry is getting run away with on a Thoroughbred and coming back the next day anyway to try and get it right.
Hungry is being told no, or "you can't", or "it's over" and not really hearing it.
So, when was the last time I felt hungry?
Ugh. I really feel you here. Not sure what's up with Indy, but I'm so sorry.
ReplyDeleteI've spent a couple of years not being hungry too. Had more than a few horses that couldn't or wouldn't do a job. Not even the one I wanted necessarily, but any job... My blog post today was kind of along these lines.
But still, it's coming back. I'm starting to feel it deep down. You'll get hungry again too. Sometimes it just takes some time and a whole lot of frustration. Try to keep your spirits up.
i'm here for you, girl. and everything else will still be here for you when you need it and want it and are ready to try again.
ReplyDeleteHugs. I’m sorry for everything that life has thrown at you in the last year.
ReplyDeleteOn a less serious note I was really expecting this to be about food. 🙈
Well at least Indy is super cute even if he doesn't have the makings of an event horse. And I think everyone goes through a time period where they aren't hungry. Sometimes life events happen and you to a point that you are burned out and you need to have a reevaluation. But I do think that the burning passion comes back and before you know it you'll be that hungry kid again :)
ReplyDeleteWow. Its like you wrote out exactly the things that have been rattling around my brain that I haven't been able to vocalize. I totally understand this post, and feel it every day. I hope the passion and the hunger come back for you, very soon.
ReplyDeleteI have missed your posts so am glad you posted however I am sorry Indy might not be the horse for you in the grand scheme of things but he is such a gorgeous horse I hope you can find him a good home or good place for him. Btw, I have ridden almost that same horse that bucked every five seconds through every class LOL fun times right? Hope all starts to crystallize for you and let us know if we can help in any way!!
ReplyDeleteBeautifully written - as always. I'm sorry things are tough right now!
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry Indy can't/won't be an eventer, though I still love all your posts about him :) The good news is eventing will probably stick around awhile longer if you decide it's what you want to do.
ReplyDeleteI have no great words of advice, but I just wanted to say that I love this post and I am sending you all the best.
ReplyDelete