Breaking the Cycle
Spicy has been a bit difficult to write about lately. Hence the silence.
Ever since he came home to me, I've felt like we were on this cycle. He'd be great, then he'd be a spooky shit. I think I'd fix it, and then we'd start over again. I was constantly wondering how this horse I took cross country schooling in 2018 couldn't walk without jigging suddenly.
How I would have beautiful canter transitions one day...
...and then frenetic bit chomping and sideways spinning the next.
I couldn't figure out a pattern. I couldn't figure out what was wrong. I went through my diagnostic laundry list; I even tested him for Lymes (he had the most negative test I've ever seen. Ever).
Once The Cowboy started in with us things got better and quickly. But in March suddenly it tanked again. I spent more than one evening sitting in the car near tears because I didn't know what to do, I didn't know how to fix this, and I wasn't sure if I was bashing my head against the wall with a horse that was never going to work for me. I wondered if it was time to quit. I questioned what I wanted. I felt very sad and, I'll admit it, sorry for myself.
I texted The Cowboy in the hopes he could come out one more time before everything was truly closed for the pandemic. The text way too long and a little too desperate but he said he'd see me tomorrow and we'd work through it.
Bless this guy, and his patience with me. I unloaded all my fears about Spicy and my own inadequacies and he just smiled and nodded.
"Did you drive here in that car?" he asked. The question was so out of left field it jarred me.
"Uh, yeah?"
"Then you can train this horse."
The rest of the lesson he proceeded to pick apart the things I was doing to set him off, down to micro movements of my hands. He showed me the gaps where I was letting things slide and the habits I didn't even realize I was doing. Turns out our problems are our habits: both Spicy and I. Spicy gets defensive and uses spooking to cow me. I get anxious and tighten my entire body and overreact to things he does. In some ways, we are perfectly designed to challenge each other. We feed on one another - in a bad way - if we let ourselves. The problem with habits is they take concentration and time to change.
The problems I have with Spicy are problems I've always had. I get anxious and tight. My hands get too strong, my legs get too strong, I don't give myself or the horse room to breathe. I accept 'good enough' instead of perfect.
My last lesson with The Cowboy, which I anticipate will be the last one for awhile, he told me to give this a year. But he didn't say 'in a year you'll know if this will work or not' or 'in a year we'll re-evaluate'. He said: In a year I'll have the horse I always dreamed of.
I'm holding that as a talisman for both Spicy and I for when things get tough again. As I plug along at our work, really pushing myself to break my twenty year old habits, I see a little bit more of that horse every day. The Cowboy is rarely wrong, but I think after a year I'll have a horse better than I ever dreamed.
Ever since he came home to me, I've felt like we were on this cycle. He'd be great, then he'd be a spooky shit. I think I'd fix it, and then we'd start over again. I was constantly wondering how this horse I took cross country schooling in 2018 couldn't walk without jigging suddenly.
How I would have beautiful canter transitions one day...
...and then frenetic bit chomping and sideways spinning the next.
I couldn't figure out a pattern. I couldn't figure out what was wrong. I went through my diagnostic laundry list; I even tested him for Lymes (he had the most negative test I've ever seen. Ever).
Once The Cowboy started in with us things got better and quickly. But in March suddenly it tanked again. I spent more than one evening sitting in the car near tears because I didn't know what to do, I didn't know how to fix this, and I wasn't sure if I was bashing my head against the wall with a horse that was never going to work for me. I wondered if it was time to quit. I questioned what I wanted. I felt very sad and, I'll admit it, sorry for myself.
I texted The Cowboy in the hopes he could come out one more time before everything was truly closed for the pandemic. The text way too long and a little too desperate but he said he'd see me tomorrow and we'd work through it.
Bless this guy, and his patience with me. I unloaded all my fears about Spicy and my own inadequacies and he just smiled and nodded.
"Did you drive here in that car?" he asked. The question was so out of left field it jarred me.
"Uh, yeah?"
"Then you can train this horse."
The rest of the lesson he proceeded to pick apart the things I was doing to set him off, down to micro movements of my hands. He showed me the gaps where I was letting things slide and the habits I didn't even realize I was doing. Turns out our problems are our habits: both Spicy and I. Spicy gets defensive and uses spooking to cow me. I get anxious and tighten my entire body and overreact to things he does. In some ways, we are perfectly designed to challenge each other. We feed on one another - in a bad way - if we let ourselves. The problem with habits is they take concentration and time to change.
The problems I have with Spicy are problems I've always had. I get anxious and tight. My hands get too strong, my legs get too strong, I don't give myself or the horse room to breathe. I accept 'good enough' instead of perfect.
My last lesson with The Cowboy, which I anticipate will be the last one for awhile, he told me to give this a year. But he didn't say 'in a year you'll know if this will work or not' or 'in a year we'll re-evaluate'. He said: In a year I'll have the horse I always dreamed of.
I'm holding that as a talisman for both Spicy and I for when things get tough again. As I plug along at our work, really pushing myself to break my twenty year old habits, I see a little bit more of that horse every day. The Cowboy is rarely wrong, but I think after a year I'll have a horse better than I ever dreamed.
Did you drive that car here. LAUGHING SO HARD...then you can ride that horse :) I wish I had a Cowboy like that near here :) I am glad he gave you things to work on and I agree a lot of our issues do stem from our bodies and not from our horses (ask me how I know)! I hope things get better soon and I hope you and Spicy continue on for years ;) Hope you are safe and healthy and all is well in Purplemegland (Or as well as it can be)!
ReplyDeletewe're definitely as well as we can be, and hoping you are as well.
DeleteI'm sure when Spicy and I are killing it I'll look back with disbelief at how hard I tried to give up before we got here :P
I'm sorry you were going through some difficult times but I'm glad you had someone as knowledgeable and pragmatic as the cowboy in your corner to get you through it. I can't wait to see where you are Spicy are along this journey and a year from now!
ReplyDeleteMe too - he's EXACTLY what we need and I'm so grateful for it. I tell him all the time!!
DeleteI could totally write this post. I may do one similar (if you don't mind). Carmen and I were in that exact cycle and it takes such a conscious effort on my part to not fall back into patterns. Honestly, I just do the one good step at a time approach. If I don't think I can handle 'x' falling apart I don't even go there. Some days I just do ground work. I found I was tensing in ways I didn't even realize. Now I can feel Carmen wanting to fall back into our old patterns and her surprise when I don't.
ReplyDeleteof course I don't mind! I always identify with you and carmen - it helps to know other people are struggling through the same thing.
DeleteIt's hard to get over learned fear, and man do they use it against you.
I’m so glad you have the Cowboy to be there for you. I too get tense. My trainer is forever telling me to sit in the saddle and not tense and hover a few inches above. If I get tense my horse reacts. It is so so so hard not to though! Hang in there, enjoy the spring weather and hold on to that talisman. You’ve got this!
ReplyDeleteI swear spicy can tell when I so much as clench my ass. It's cool that he's so sensitive but man I wish I could fast forward to me having better control!!
DeleteNo matter what happens in a year, you're not going to regret putting this time in now. It will change you as a person in all the best ways.
ReplyDeletefor the horses and everything else. And I GUESS I'll owe it to Spicy being the biggest derp that ever lived.
DeleteI feel this on so many levels. Q and I had a period of years where we fed off of one another and things were a perpetual shit show with moments of blinding clarity. Then they devolved again. You've got this. And in a year you'll be in a completely different place and it will be SO amazing.
ReplyDeleteI know - and I'm sure between now and that time I"ll still have moments of self doubt but I'm hoping they become far and few between!
DeleteOne step forward and two steps back isn't failure, it's a cha-cha. You and Spicy are going to be spectacular dance partners because you are committed to putting in the work, not just on him, but in yourself. You're inspiring ❤️
ReplyDeleteaw thank you leah <3333 I was actually thinking about this last night. I did all this work - ON HIM - last year. but I didn't do anything to me. So that's why he reverted. For it to work, I need to work on both of us!
DeleteHorses are so humbling, all the time. I'm so glad you have the cowboy to help you through these things! I hope things turn around soon in the world, so if you need him again you'll have access. I think you and Spicy will be just fine.
ReplyDeletehe said the same when he left, because I'll admit I'm nervous at the prospect of not seeing him for months. But if I believe in myself and believe in the tools I've been given I can see us through. It's a very empowering feeling.
Deleteaw <3 i love that you have so many awesome resources in your corner! when all this craziness is over let's find a time to go trail riding (for real this time, tho).
ReplyDeletecharlie's a pretty steady anchor, but also the time spent with him on the trails has been so critical to building trust and communication with him. and we mayyyyyy or may not have an in on socially distant riding at fair hill at the not so distant future (tho not with charlie bc i'm not allowed at that barn, womp...)
now that I'm here, I felt like all the 'trust' i built with horses before was kind of... not complete enough. this is much more thorough.
DeleteOH NO charles!!!! and we should definitely be in for a fall trail ride. hopefully things will have died down by then. and fair hill in the fall is my absolute favorite!!