A Garden for Horses

I have been so insanely busy lately, my life has become a true juggling act. Every year (every day, even) I think, This is my max. I cannot possibly cram more in than I have right now. And I can't. Despite my desire to stop adding to the list so I can concentrate on the mess I have, life doesn't work that way. New things come into my life every month, week, and day.

I got a book last year called 'The Art of Stopping Time'. It's 100 days of 'gong'. A gong is not only fun to say, but is a Chinese idea for a piece of time dedicated to yourself. The first day talks about your life garden. Every aspect of my life was a plant and my energy was its nourishment. As a watering can is not infinite, neither is my energy. Some of the plants are non negotiables: Sara, my family, work. But I have many other plants I want to take care of, one of which being horses.

Horses have been my refuge as long as I can remember. I moved around a lot when I was younger, I didn't have a ton of friends, I got bullied in school. But the horses were always there for me and I leaned on them heavily. They got me through some real shit, like horses do. By the time I got Runkle I didn't realize how big that plant had gotten in my garden, but that it was also ugly.

I put so much pressure on myself to ride a certain amount of times a week, compete, take so many lessons a month. His behavior was a huge influence on my mood. When things weren't going well with him, I felt like I had nothing. Every time he got hurt, or we suffered another setback, it was nights of tears and grief. Can I do this? Am I not good enough? Am I failing him? Am I not working hard enough?

I started down the same path with Indy and when he went to his new home, I realized I really needed to rip that plant out. That plant could not be a weed, sucking up all my energy but giving me nothing in return. I wanted more from my life than just horses. I wanted to be successful and happy in my work, I wanted to marry the woman I love, I want to have a family. Those things couldn't exist in the same world with horses as I had previously. But maybe the way horses were in my life previously wasn't healthy. Maybe they could give to me and not just take; be something that adds to my life that lets me take on more.

When Spicy came home I had a lot of old habits I had to squash out. I couldn't worry about him incessantly, or guilt myself when things just became too much and I couldn't go work with him. It's taken months, and I still have relapses, but the barn has finally after so many years truly become a place of peace.

I realized it on Monday in particular. Spicy was having a diva day (as I call them) when he just Could Not.

I found this gif and it made me laugh so hard because it's SO SO SO HIM
THIS IS SPICY. IN A GIF.

He was so besides himself I couldn't even get on. We spent the whole session on the long lines and I actually really got somewhere with him. I drove home super proud of his progress and frankly, mine. There was a time where that day would've resulted in me crying in my car. Blaming myself, work, anything my brain touched for why I failed my horse so terribly that it led him to fail me. 

When I think of how horses must look now, in my imaginary life garden, they are a smaller corner than they used to be, for sure, but they are a far more beautiful and peaceful part of my life.