A Gift Horse, Part 2

I watched the rest of this movie. I know you're glad. Here's part 2 of the thrilling conclusion of A GIFT HORSE.


When we last left our heros, the unthinkable had happened. F, who am I kidding, your horse getting injured is not unthinkable. Like even a little. My horse is probably at the barn injured right now. Just purely from an aesthetic sense, he looks like he's been through a woodchipper.

Anyway, Misty comes up lame. So we're told. Mary Sue must be some kind of prophetic horse genius because the mare doesn't even take a lame step before getting pulled up and everyone freaking out. Deciding it needs immediate veterinary attention, they ride back to the stable. Because it would take too long to dismount?

Don't even get me started on how she's holding the reins. 
And leading by the martingale.

The vet comes and looks at Misty, and the prognosis isn't good. According to the lady in scrubs, she sprained that ankle pretty bad. I'll give the vet the benefit of the doubt, maybe she was checking both legs for dissimilarities. But to me it looks like she's looking at the wrong leg.

That's the left leg....

ANYWAY, the ankle is sprained, and the vet says it needs surgery which you wouldn't do on a horse of this value. I guess Mr. Fancy Britches Canton has maxed out his insurance. Or doesn't have any. But at the desperate look on Mary Sue's face the vet relents and says that with some cold compresses and injections she could be just fine. Maybe I am a n00b, but I have no idea what kind of injury this horse has.

Mary Sue is next seen putting an Ice Vibe boot on the horse's knee, backwards.

You keep doin' what you're doin' kid. I"m sure you won't cripple this horse for life.

Mary Sue blames herself for Misty's injury. "I think I pulled Misty's reins too hard and I might've hurt her foot." I don't know how those two things are linked. Also it's her ankle. Or maybe her knee, as that is where you were applying the ice boot. I was going to say they probably should've put a standing wrap on it but you know what? With how they do things, I'm sure that would've made things worse. Mr. Canton says if Misty isn't better in a week then she's toast.

At some point, and I think this should've actually been in the first part, Mr. Canton's ex-wife shows up to ask for more money in addition to her normal alimony. She threatens to call her lawyer and Canton caves. I gotta say this woman is... really something.

As an aside, there are a lot of gratuitous shots of the inside of Mr. Canton's mansion in this movie and he has like six different animal heads mounted on his wall that are featured prominently. I want to know there's a subliminal reason for this. Compensating for something, maybe? Ms. Tiffany then does something rash. She may or may not be seen dropping off a check to Mr. Canton in his big game hunter hall. The drama! The mystery! The buying off of a step-parent to their new step-child!

I'll be honest, that looks too big to be a personal check.
"When Amanda is happy, her dad is happy. When her dad is happy, I'm happy." OH ARE YOU, MS TIFFANY.

if u no wut i mean

Then comes, in my opinion, the funniest scene in the movie. Abigail has a replacement horse, who she is trying to train by lunging it. Except she can't get it to trot. Charlotte's advice? "Kick sand at him."

When the sand kicking doesn't work, Charlotte pitches in by throwing dirt.

Movie gold.

Mary Sue is up at the barn working (probably putting the ice boot upside down and on Misty's face) when Thomas shows up and tries to win her affections and get a job. He walked two miles to get there. Uphill. In the snow. Both ways. I'm sorry, what were we talking about? After three days of him hanging around Mary Sue invites him to have dinner at their place. And then says "you better not try and kiss me either". Hey whoa lady who said anything about kissing??

u have cooties.
At dinner we have an awkward talk about Thomas's parents being broke as shit and not having enough food to feed all their kids, so Thomas sometimes has to do without. :( Be strong, Thomas. And eat your brisket.

The next day Misty is pronounced sound! Ish. In a few days? Abigail shows up at the barn (for the first time in years), says the horse is a dud, and people throw some shade.

I'll kill you. WITH MY EYES.
Charlotte goes to Mr. Canton and asks if Mary Sue can ride Misty in The Super Big Show. Mr. Canton is initially tepid on the idea, and he's concerned Mary Sue will get her feelings hurt by being absolutely destroyed by the high level competitors. Mr. Canton has obvi never seen a tween horse movie before.

Mr. Canton is driven in a golf cart (by a DRIVER) to Mary Sue's next lesson. Ms. Tiffany is on the rail, playing horse show mom, and he tells her that Mary Sue is a sweet girl but "not a true rider". And you're not a real big game hunter Mr. Canton but you still have a fucking hippo head in your lodge. Ms. Tiffany impresses him with her use of the word 'anomaly' and we find out that he went to Harvard and Ms. Tiffany got a full ride to Yale on a soccer scholarship. Right.

Mr. Canton asks Ms. Tiffany to talk Mary Sue out of the show, probably because he's worried his daughter is going to flunk out. And then he says "You see that? You should save her the embarassment".

And you know what? I kind of agree?

So then arrives The Big Horse Show. Everyone is there to cheer Mary Sue on, even her boyfriend, Thomas!

We start with Abigail on her New Bay Horse. She goes around and tragedy strikes as she knocks down one of the impossibly tiny jumps again. She leaps off the horse (again) and goes to storm out when Mr. Canton intercepts her and says if she doesn't get back on that horse right now she won't have a home to come back to. Which seems a little intense for a two foot hunter (still not sure?) class. His ex-wife is there, still looking... um... fabulous and comes to Abigail's defense. Apparently it was Mr. Canton's obsession with winning that drove his family apart like this, and he sees the error of his ways immediately and they literally have a group hug.

Then, the moment we've all been waiting for. Mary Sue's round.

I could just end the post here and you'd know exactly what happened. Of course, she wins.

Oh my god look how long that ribbon is!!

Of course, everyone is happy. Even Queen Crab herself, Abigail.

Of course, Mary Sue finds out Ms. Tiffany paid for the horse and now their relationship is on the ups.

Of course... she takes out a compass and smiles to herself?

Did I miss something??

And they all live happily ever after. The End!


  1. Whiskey Tango Foxtrot!? I've seen other reviews of this movie and have no desire to watch it myself as it sounds insane.

    1. oh my god, but it's so funny though. i am definitely a fan of movies that are SO AWFUL that they become funny again.

      pairs well with a bottle of wine ;)

  2. .....uhh that movie just sounds crazy. like i would probably rip my hair out watching it lol

    1. i feel like in the beginning they should be like "no horses were harmed in the making of this movie".

      because really the comedic value is pretty great.

  3. Omg I just read this after two glasses of wine and nearly laughed so hard I cried. Alas, I have no desire to see the movie because it couldn't possibly be as good as your review. Thanks...BWAHAHAHAH!!!!

  4. For some reason, I get drawn into these horribly done horse movies. And you just. can't. turn. away! Same with watching the saddle club. I get a work out from all of the frustration coursing through my body as I watch. But it is quite hilarious!


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